I've got a question throw at me this morning by one of the officers at work.


"Do you even find it fulfilling working here?"
And that hit the nail. Without even thinking, I replied "No"
"No right" then he flashed me a sympathetic smile


I shrugged and walked past him. I wondered afterwards why I didn't even ask him why he shot me that question. Maybe I've been transmitting that vibe that people around me can't help but feel this way. Maybe even he thinks that this job is not cut for me. Frankly I'm not even thrown off by his question. I wondered why it took so long for somebody to ask me that.


And previously I think I was showing signs of depressions. I kept dwelling on the same stuffs time and again. I was always blowing up for no good reason and mundane stuffs got me really very snappy. And I was always having this thought that I'm being under-appreciated. In fact, I still do feel this way. Problem is I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but I can't seem to help myself out of it.


I'm smiling less often now in office. It's a chore to even smile at people I dislike so much. And life at work for the next 4 weeks will be double the misery I guess. Having one person less to cheer me up and divert my attention on.


I'm actually quite surprised by myself on how easily I can be influenced by people.


So much so that I wished to do something about it, but I just couldn't leave. I began to think that it's not about the people here; maybe it's the job scope. It makes me seem so incompetent, and I don't like myself to be associated with that word. And I did briefly mention to my Deputy Director about it, she's a busy woman who I don't think have the time to bother about the shits from me. I understand why she can't pull me out to help in other areas. They need people in that bloody room. I'm not blaming her. It's alright; I'll just try to pull myself through this.


But being the low EQ me, that question from my officer would probably be sticking with my head for the rest of my days here.

8 July 2008
0955


Just about three years ago, I blogged on another date and time.On both the dates, I lost someones who were once so dear and close to me. I seriously would like to know what's the after-life liked. Let me know they're doing fine and great up or down.

I've been seeing in my case of history repeating itself. I don't think much about blogging this down here, it's kinda personal but I guess literacy venting is the best way to let go of my emotions and frustrations.

I read "Tuesday with Morrie" awhile back, I think I should pick up that book again. Most of the nitty gritties in the story I've long forgotten. I guess it can definitely help me to understand greater what she is going through.

Having diagnosed with breast cancer some far back, she recovered but succumbed back into it again, this time much more serious than ever. It's obviously fighting a losing battle, the docs told them not to let her suffer any longer. But nobody bears to give the go-ahead. It's a heavy decision.

She can't remember much stuff, she can hardly talk, let alone recognizing people. My heart dropped the moment she put a different name to my face.

Losing your hair, your breast, your immunity, your health, your husband, your family, your dad, your dignity, your pride, the list goes all on. All these roll into one; I seriously don't think any woman any stronger can be able to take such further pain.

I can't imagine having your own kids cleaning up after you when you made a mess out of yourself. It takes a ton out of courage to accept yourself that sort of humiliation.

Slowly she's slipping away, but yet you are not able to do anything to help. Memories are the only thing you're able to grasp on to anything from her.

And to lose the ability to even smile is a very depressing thing to witness. She was such a beautiful lady. A real beauty. Who ended up in the wrong marriage. It scares me. Who can you trust when you can't even trust your very own husband. It makes me lose all the confidence in guys & marriage. Just who can we blame.

Wonder is there still anybody who still read this, since I haven't updated it for a long long...........while. It doesn't matter; it can be my own reading pleasure. Finished my exams a month ago, working part-time now at somewhere. Yes, somewhere. Not worth saying where.

I got to say it's the worst job I've taken up all my life. Why? I think I just need to let you know that I'm actually blogging during my supposedly working time & you can guess why.

I found this job through an employment agency. Before this, I specifically asked for a job which I can learn something out of it. The person-in-charge promised me that and when she mentioned the job scope to me, it sounded interesting. I proceeded to sign a 3months contract with the other party.

The job here is far less than interesting. It shouldn't even be associated with the word, interesting. Where do I start, I've tons of things to complain. My sweets around should know that I've a pretty busy time in DBS in the past, I was always seen complaining to them. But if I'm given a chance, I would have ringed my ex-boss to put me in back in DBS again.

I feel so much liked a bloody small fly in my working place now, easing the load of these ...... scholars here who are super unfriendly and callous. Ok, callous is a heavy word. While I'm not saying all, but at least I do have some people here, hmmmm I guess have some deficiency in human character. I don't think I should even go into details. Job here is simple. Simply simplistic. I think i can get a primary school kid to do the job & they can excel in it. I'm not trying to be scarastic nor I'm saying my collegues are doing such simple tasks. Maybe they've got other duties. Don't read between the lines. I just feel that maybe they don't or can't trust me enough on secrecy of some access & documents, which restricts alot of stuffs that i'm not able and not authorized to do. It hinders the flow of work, then in the first place, they shouldn't get a temporay staff in. They need a permanent staff.