I've got a question throw at me this morning by one of the officers at work.


"Do you even find it fulfilling working here?"
And that hit the nail. Without even thinking, I replied "No"
"No right" then he flashed me a sympathetic smile


I shrugged and walked past him. I wondered afterwards why I didn't even ask him why he shot me that question. Maybe I've been transmitting that vibe that people around me can't help but feel this way. Maybe even he thinks that this job is not cut for me. Frankly I'm not even thrown off by his question. I wondered why it took so long for somebody to ask me that.


And previously I think I was showing signs of depressions. I kept dwelling on the same stuffs time and again. I was always blowing up for no good reason and mundane stuffs got me really very snappy. And I was always having this thought that I'm being under-appreciated. In fact, I still do feel this way. Problem is I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but I can't seem to help myself out of it.


I'm smiling less often now in office. It's a chore to even smile at people I dislike so much. And life at work for the next 4 weeks will be double the misery I guess. Having one person less to cheer me up and divert my attention on.


I'm actually quite surprised by myself on how easily I can be influenced by people.


So much so that I wished to do something about it, but I just couldn't leave. I began to think that it's not about the people here; maybe it's the job scope. It makes me seem so incompetent, and I don't like myself to be associated with that word. And I did briefly mention to my Deputy Director about it, she's a busy woman who I don't think have the time to bother about the shits from me. I understand why she can't pull me out to help in other areas. They need people in that bloody room. I'm not blaming her. It's alright; I'll just try to pull myself through this.


But being the low EQ me, that question from my officer would probably be sticking with my head for the rest of my days here.